a partial transcript of a late night voice note to a friend (2025)

Hi, me again. Um, I’m doing alright, I’m good. I think I’m just processing. Um, it was so funny. I don’t know if you know Chani Nicholas?- An astrologer, love her work. She came out with an app a couple of years ago– I’m in my chakra hun phase at the moment, super(rrr) spiritual, always meditating doing my yoga-ah, reading the stars(sss)... um, so I downloaded the app a couple of weeks ago and I just kinda like it, I like reading the daily horoscope, I like reading about what the planets are doing. It’s actually been really comforting. I guess this is my substitute for religion.

Um but it was so funny because– I’ll actually send you a screenshot of what the app said about what my day was going to be today because last night I wrote in my journal that I feel like I’ve met the final boss of grief, basically. I think my body is kinda like “Okay, we’re here now and we’re working through the final boss fight of grief. So it was funny because the app was like “Since May last year, you’ve been working through something-something and GRIEF” and I laughed. So hard. ‘Cause, yeah… May was [redacted] and it’s just been grief work since then. And I was just like, you know what? Sometimes these things are scarily accurate, to be honest.

But yeah, I do feel like I’m currently in the throes of a very heavy moment. But it’s funny because it’s not heavy in the sense of like it’s traumatising or um, it’s bad. More so that, it’s like I’m finally okay. And I think I’m at a point now where I’m like I’m so okay that I can let go of things that were making me sad because those things no longer make me sad. I don’t have any strong feelings towards the things that have made me sad. Um, and I feel like I want to be sad about that because I think that being sad is a comfort for me sometimes.

And so, I’m grieving the loss of my sadness? Anyway! This is kinda a stream of consciousness voice note because I’m also just unpacking as I’m kinda processing what I’m feeling. Um, but yeah. I think I’m grieving my sadness. ‘Cause I think I’ve been sad, a lot. This last year– 2024 I was sad a lot! And it’s been so strange to come into this year and be so okay and be so at peace. And I think not necessarily at peace but to be so neutral.

Neutral has been such a great word for me the last couple of weeks. I am just meeting everything where it is and I am just so neutral. And it is such a stark difference to how I’ve operated, um, my whole life. So, it’s interesting, I feel like I’m grieving being a tragic person. Um, and feeling like everything is so tragic about myself. And I think I’ve been good at managing that to not be a self-deprecation but more so a quirky personality ting. You know? Like, being traumatised is my brand.

But I’m kinda over it. I think. I think I definitely want to steer towards, um… being happy. Consistently. And I think the things I’ve put in place– again I don’t know if they will work when I’m in the throes of depression or when things are really, really hard, but um, yeah– with the things I put in place I was like yeah, maybe I do have the mental fortitude to like, not make trauma my personality. I don’t know… [redacted]

*Thank you, Louise, for receiving this voice note and holding it so gently for me.