Relationship material and all the seams sewn: A reflection (2022 essay)

I think of all the times I’ve referred to myself as a ‘good time’. A transitional space for people to figure themselves out before they find their soulmates. I’ve dated for the last ten years- with three long-term relationships embedded in that timeline and at every point of contention within those relationships I always thought to myself “it’s because I’m a ‘good time’. I’m not a relationship material type.”

Exploring relationships for me has been like wearing a woolly jumper at the height of summer- stifling and suffocating. Constant anxiety that the jumper is getting tighter and tighter as the sun grows hotter and hotter. Panic, that I won’t be able to get it off once the day comes to an end. I’ve been riddled with discomfort and restlessness and resentment and frustration and- and- and-. The inescapable tentacles of expectation of what it is to be a partner in a (cishetero-internalised or informed) monogamous relationship constantly wrapped itself around my lungs– making love for me- unbreathable.

“I can tell you’re a lover. Love comes easy to you.”- Something a lover said to me recently.

But how am I a lover when love has been so hard and taxing?

What I’ve come to realise (later rather than never) is that my actions within and around romantic love do not align with my foundational belief about it. I’ve internalised a cishetero-monogamous relationship model that rears its ugly head as soon as I find myself feeling something romantic towards someone. My queer-relationship-anarchist-heart aches as my mind unravels and unnecessary anxieties arise. I obsess and worry about how I can prioritise this new love, I become nervous about dedicating and devoting my time, I attach- anxiously and quickly– I become everything I despised growing up and seeing in the toxic and unhealthy cishetero relationships around me. Yet, I have unwillingly modelled my romantic actions around a model that is not made for me– especially when I fundamentally don’t believe that that is how I want my relationships to exist.

Lately, I’ve become obsessed with concepts of intimacy-making and romance in relationship building- regardless of the stage or duration of said relationships. I am a lover, after all, and I want to love. Whether it’s a first date or an eighth date, one week or one year, a new lover or a frequent lover I want to constantly be asking myself– why should I limit or restrict love when love within me is abundant. I want to love fleeting lovers, and long term partners all the same, at the same time- with intention, openness and transparency– with delight, curiosity and softness. I want to love multiple lovers at once and perhaps none at all when I need to love myself a little harder.

I am a ‘good time’. And , I’m definitely not cishetero-monog relationship material. I haven’t figured out anything beyond being a relationship anarchist, but I can say that I am first and foremost a lover and for now I am loving– loving. Deeply.